My own world (a sharing by Lynette Chen)

"His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or parent's sin. He is blind so that God's power might be seen at work." - John 9: 1-41

This struck me the whole evening yesterday. When I heard it at mass, I felt God was talking to me. Blindness is something negative and how this blindness relate to me was that I kind of feel I am a lousy person, not able to handle my life well, just felt negative about myself probably all these can be led to sinning. However this verse assured me that I am born this way to show the goodness that God has showered on me. It is nothing wrong to be who I am I am now. I am a human and there is nothing wrong if I sin but must repent even if I kept failing.

I feel that I am kind of engulfed totally into the world of my own and in this world just revolves around career (work, school), personal pleasure, money. Once a while I will come out of the world when being called to but eventually slipped back into the world of my own. In this world of my own, at first it seemed to be still under controlled but started to be uncontrolled. One example was that I lost control and scolded my patient. She was just screaming away for the physio therapist to go over to her while I was trying to explain something to another patient and my physio therapist already told her to hang on as he was attending to another patient too. I was not able to keep my cool and appearently one relative, one colleague and of course the physio heard me. I was not remoseful and thought that it was great of me because never have I lost my cool before at work. Those that heard me actually was on my side and felt nothing wrong about it but as a child of God it's totally wrong. If they can see how it was able to handle her peacefully, it would really portray God's love and patience for sinners.

I was reflecting why am I working my guts out? Missing break times, staying back till I complete, taking my time to do what ought to be done slow..What's the point? What's the point? What's the point? Whatever I am sacrificing just does not tally with the pay I am getting or job satisfaction. I asked myself repeatedly what's the meaning? I realised the meaning that it was not a job just for the money or glamour or noble but it's for Him. He calls me to treat each patient as my loved ones as He loves them so much too. That's why I have been able to keep my cool so far and trying my best to go all out and that's why I have caregiver stress.

This Lent has helped me to slowly come out from the world of my own but I cannot gurantee that I can leave the world of my own totally (not say it's good, it's lonely and cold in there) so please pray for me!