Continuing to die to self... (a sharing by Daniel Tham)

I must say my lenten journey started even before Lent began. I was so caught up with a radical lenten idea that I had come up with, a day-by-day, 40 steps lenten journey booklet for my choir. Which means I had read through the gospels of Lent, reflected over them, and come up with an "action item" for my choir for each of the days of Lent. While I think the book could be improved, I think it's been a good journey so far. Though I honestly must admit I can't do my own book as well because well, I designed it and already know what to do. So perhaps, the irony was, the designer of the book can perhaps not fully reap the benefits the other participants of the book could. I don't know, but perhaps I'm just being too spiritually proud here. =(

I've tried to make time for God... It's a struggle each day to die to myself, to accept challenges, to even find time for God. I've noted that my best times for Lauds and Vespers appear to be on public transport to and from work. :( I've noted that other times are spent busy with work or trying to be busy with work, or other pursuits like catching up with people whom I've not had the pleasure of catching up with for some time over FB/MSN, or being the listening ear to someone who suddenly comes out of the blue asking for something - it's happened unusually often this lent for me. This in the midst of trying to see God in my daily life.

Then something happened. A friend of mine caught up with me, and we spent some time just catching up... And she left me with thought provoking words this Lent. While it's true I'm discerning the priesthood, and it's true that the CER perhaps took down a lot of the walls for me and allowed me a beautiful indifference that I can finally begin to appreciate, it's also perhaps time for me to remember to be patient and trust in God's time, because God's time is the best time. So this Lent, while I might not be doing very much, I'm trying my level best to see God in little things.. In actions, in interactions, in my prayer, in my struggling to STAY with the Lord, and just about in dying to my sinful self, of being mindful of my pride, my laziness, my many other flaws... And constantly offering it all to God and asking him to help me become a better person.

This Lent is one that I believe I need to continue to die to myself and just surrender to the great grace of God. As my experience in CER shows, I still thank God for showing me his love, mercy and grace... For filling me with peace, joy and contentment. But baby steps in my faith because I want to build a rock solid foundation for God to build me up on - to do his work, his will, and help build his kingdom.

So as I continue to discern God's calling, I pray for the patience and grace to be docile to the promptings of God's spirit, to do his will and accept it fully - even though at times it challenges me to go beyond my human nature, my human inclination, my limitations. Because I believe, with and through God, anything and everything is possible.