Well as most of [my friends] have known or now know, I am discerning God's call in my life and to the Priesthood. For me this Lent has been an especially hard one, those who know me well will know how quick and hot tempererd I can be and I still am.
I would sometimes turn to smoking as a way to calm myself down and to recollect my thoughts and feelings. So I've promised myself, (not anyone else, just myself as I am afraid that i am not strong enough to keep it, if I promised God) that this lent I'm going to make a conscious effort to not get angry over silly things and even [if] I did get angry to control myself and not let my anger take control of me in those situations.
Well I've not been perfectly successful in keeping everything at bay, I've fallen a few times, and each time I fell, I would feel a deep sense of disappointment in my life and that i was weak and useless. I asked myself what would Jesus do in this situation. I made the conscious effort to apologise to these people namely my mother and sister. Although I didn't mean the things I said, I said in in anger and out of spite and the words used were very 'cutting'. It also allowed them the opportunity to think back and reflect on the earlier incidents that sparked it off. As I offered my heartlfelt apology to them not only did I feel happy but I also felt free that I was no longer bound by this anger and hurt that it caused and in doing so also freed them from that anger and hurt that they held and i felt so relieved when they were able to let it go as i now felt free.
In all those moments I was tempted to just take a break and have a smoke to recollect myself. But I remembered my promise and turned to prayer instead. And in my prayer I found the most wonderful and comforting words that anyone could ever give me.
There's a saying that goes: "There are more ways than one to skin a cat". I've come to realise that sometimes not so much what I say but rather the way I say may be just too direct for someone else's liking and so they get put off by what I say and when I look back, I have to agree, sometimes.
So I found this clip that really reflects how I feel and appeals in way like no one else can and when I'm angry or sad I turn to it and it gives me a sense of God's comforting love and forgiveness and I've realised that I didn't even need to turn to smoking as a way to deal with that anger.
Since the start of this lent I have not smoked and I don't feel the need to any longer. I feel happy that I have been liberated from this and I hope that God gives me the strength to continue down this path and never let it bother me again more so even after lent is over. Afterall the sacrifices we make are not just something we make for lent and then go back to our sinful ways after but rather to realise that we have sinned against God and to turn back to him and he gives us that opportunity every lent to scrutinise ourselves. (The scrutinies that the Elect go through have a lot of meaning even for us who are cradled Catholics and its gives us a chance to look back on our own lives and see how we can improve).
I'd just like to end saying, alone we can do nothing, but with God in our lives and on our side, there is nothing that we can't do. So in all things turn to God, even if its just to thank him for another day he's given you to live or the food you have to eat to day.
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